I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
