i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
