I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
