I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
