Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
