the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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I think weed is turning my hair brown
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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