fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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