Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
