Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
