yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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