Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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