If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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