the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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