I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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