Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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