Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
