Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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