I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
