I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
