I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
