im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This house was built for laser tag.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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