Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
