I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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