if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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