The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
