I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
