my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
