Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
