Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
