i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
