I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
