my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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