Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just gift wrapped bread.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
