Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
