her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
