I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
