I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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