Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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