I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
