your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
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I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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