Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think people are normalizing furries
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
