Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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