I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
