In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
