Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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