In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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