Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
