no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
