I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
