The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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