Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
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I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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