god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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