WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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