I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
